WANT TO NURTURE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IN YOUR CHILDREN? HERE ARE FIVE SMART WAYS TO DO THAT.

So you’ve got that amazing kid. She’s as sweet in her bouts of excitement as she’s annoying in her fits of tantrums. You want to raise her to become an emotionally intelligent child. Now you’re wondering where to begin. Don’t work yourself up. We’re in the same boat and we can navigate this together. Building emotional intelligence in our children from a very early age is the right thing to do. It will not only develop their ability to identify, evaluate, control and express emotions, It also helps them to communicate with others effectively, negotiate situations and develop clear thought patterns. As a consequence, it will help them become good managers and leaders who are able to develop strong, connected relationships later in life.

According to leading psychologist and Author, Daniel Goleman, in his Newyork times bestselling book, “Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ”, EQ is a more important measure of how successful a person is than Intelligent Quotient (IQ). Huffpost writer and Welfare officer, Anna Patridge also claims that IQ measures a person’s academic intelligence, whereas EQ measures emotional intelligence — a person’s ability to interact with others or ‘social intelligence’. People with high IQ do not always have social intelligence and may lack the skills to be successful in many current work environments. Brain trainers also agree that if we focus on building emotional intelligence in our kids, we are setting them up to be able to develop strong relationships, navigate tricky situations, be leaders in their fields and even make more money. So how exactly do we begin to teach our kids emotional intelligence?

TEACHING OUR CHILDREN EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

While some children are more naturally in tune with their EQ and may be able to deal with new people, situations and environment easily, some other kids have low EQ and need to be taught in a more focused way. Nevertheless, all children need their emotional intelligence to be nurtured and supported through the roller coaster of emotions they all experience as they grow up. So here are five effective ways to build emotional intelligence with your child:

RECOGNIZE THEIR EMOTIONS AND ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PERSPECTIVE

Encourage your children to own their emotions by not only naming each one but also explaining to them how each emotion affects them and others too. It is not enough for your child to know that he is feeling angry or frustrated, enabling them to describe exactly what they are feeling and what triggered those feelings by either talking about it, writing it down or drawing it can go a long way in helping a child tune in to his emotions. Even when you can’t “do anything” about your child’s mood, be empathetic. Just the feeling of being understood helps heal us of our troubling moments. Empathizing doesn’t mean you agree with his perspective, it only shows that you see it from his side too. Even when your child still has to do what you say, make him feel loved and entitled to his own perspective. Statements like “I know you want to stay up to watch movies like the big kids. I understand. But you just have to go to bed early so that you can get up early enough for school” goes a really long way. Children develop empathy by experiencing it from others. Ultimately, creating a safe space for your child to let it all out will enable them to be able to move on.

BE VULNERABLE ABOUT YOUR EMOTIONS

Foster emotional intelligence in your children by showing it. Tell them exactly how you feel and allow them perceive it for themselves. When you share your process with your children, they will feel safe enough to share theirs with you. Rather than expressing anger and frustration by yelling, you could tell them “You kids are driving me crazy right now but I don’t want to get mad at you. I’m trying not to lose it. I just want to be a good mum to you, so I’m just going to work on getting better at disciplining you.” One of the most important things here is not to blame your child for making you angry or sad — they haven’t made you angry — it is their behaviour that has made you angry. So talk to them about the behaviour and how it affects your emotions. This shows that just like any other human, you have weaknesses too, which consequently teaches your child that her emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable. She learns that she is not alone which means that she is wholly okay, just the way she is. This also extends to when your child does any negative act that you may have done in the past, you let them know that you have been there and try to prevent them from committing same by telling them the negative effects that such acts had on you in the long run.

TEACH THEM TO STUDY AND RECOGNIZE MOODS

Discuss different moods with your children and the various atmospheres for which various moods can be expressed. For example when you have visitors come over, it can be exciting. When you come home to a empty, quiet house, it can feel boring and cold. Tell them how the different moods in the house can impact their emotions. The emotion they feel when someone says something annoying in a mood of excitement is different from how they feel when the atmosphere is calm or boring. Let them know that a sunny hot day will feel different to a cold rainy day and that the atmosphere in a crowded market place is not the same as that of a children’s playground. Ask them what seasons they like best, what colours they like best and what not, you will be surprised to find out that it all boils down to the mood. Help your children bring awareness to the different moods and emotions perceived in different situations. This will enable them to effectively analyse their emotions in a deeper way and also help them to study and understand how and why others are feeling and acting the way they do.

TEACH PROBLEM — SOLVING

Most times, emotions are messages telling us to look around, tune in to our feelings and ask questions. So teach your child to breathe through these emotions without acting on them in the heat of it. If your children don’t want to talk about their feelings, It’s fine. Give them space. Once they are out of the grip of their strong emotions, encourage them to solve the problem and act if necessary. Resist the urge to rush in and solve the problem for them except they ask you to, because this gives them the impression that you’re not confident in their ability to handle things on their own. But you can assist them in expressing their feelings and brainstorming. You can say something like “You’re really disappointed that John can’t come over because she’s sick. You were really looking forward to cycling together this evening. When you’re ready, maybe we can brainstorm ideas of something else to do that sounds like fun.” Let them make suggestions and give them options to choose from. This teaches your children that managing their emotions is very critical to solving problems.

PLAY OUT THE EMOTIONS

Help your children understand that you know how they are feeling by playing out the emotions they are feeling. For example if your child is upset that you always prevent him from going out with Dad, help him work through his feelings by playing a game where strict mum “tries” unsuccessfully to stop him from going out with dad. Mum gets between Dad and son and bellows “Hey! I won’t let you go out with Dad, you think you can sneak out with Dad and leave me all alone?….. Hey! You just pushed me?…. You think you’re strong?…. Come back here………You’re grounded”. Your child will laugh and boast that he can always get a chance to go out with Dad. And just like tears, laughter releases stress and is way more fun. He’ll also be able to let go of the initial worries he had that he’ll never be able to go out with Dad. Helping your child play out his big inner feelings helps him outgrow them, enabling him move on to more age-appropriate developmental issues.

In the end, you will have yourself to thank for having raised children who do not have to recover from their childhood but instead grow up to become the most responsible and resilient adults.